“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma