“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*