“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it