Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
