“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”