“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
You Might Also Like
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
