“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Don’t tell me what to do
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?