“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.