“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I like donuts.
Twitter:
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
the icebreaker
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
and this one
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏