“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Sorted
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away