“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I get distracted pretty eas
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Sticker placement is key.
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads