“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?