Here to help
You Might Also Like
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Effort made
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
cats when you pet them too long:
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.