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don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
found this cool rock hiking today
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
welcome back
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.