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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Did I do this right
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
(grounding my kid) go outside.