Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

You are not alone 💚

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….