here we go again
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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED