Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
You’ll be OK
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
what it’s like dating me:
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t