Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
🔦🌙👣
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”