Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Tough love is true love
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!