Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I just ran a .003048K
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
