Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast