Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
You Might Also Like
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.