Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
You Might Also Like
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“and how does that make you feel?”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.