Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
saving face 👀
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral