Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids