here we go again
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
