here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
taking June’s advice to heart
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first