here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.