Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.