Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

The Friday File.

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable