Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.