Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”