Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay