Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

This might be the funniest tweet ever

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.