Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
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*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.