Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
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“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.