Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You Might Also Like
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead