Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
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Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*