Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.