Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
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me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
constantly working on myself.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
lmfao
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger