Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
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Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Finally! 😈
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.