Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong