Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason