Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

This made me chuckle.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.