Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?