HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks