Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

50 shades of grey = my Liver

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*