Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.