Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX