here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
You Might Also Like
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”