Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.