here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun