Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
