Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro