Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
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Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world