Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.