Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
But I really needed water water water
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Are you ok, human???
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.