Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
You Might Also Like
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
is it too early for christmas memes
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!