Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.