Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Today’s Times
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.