Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.