Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
haha same
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
your honor my client chooses dare
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”