Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*