Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
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Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*