Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”