Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
You Might Also Like
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
We have a winner.
making sure he doesnt get away
