Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
live, laugh, laundry.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Haha! 😂
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”