Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

best first i’ve ever seen

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans