Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.