Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there