Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
so this horse walks into a bar
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.