Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

This story is comedy gold 😂

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.