Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
You Might Also Like
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?