Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
You Might Also Like
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*