Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
What if the weather talks about us?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.