@matt___nelson

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

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@Thynebear

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

@AlanFelyk

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@sara_ashlynn

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

@free_mattress

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

@squirrel74wkgn

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

@LuvPug

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say