Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
You Might Also Like
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
